just jokes
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said... "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...."
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be A little patient."
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would it kill you?
A: A pool table.
AND SPEAKING OF GOVERNMENT...
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
Marketing Buzz Words Translated:
* NEW - Different color from previous design
* ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with previous design
* EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
* UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
* DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
* FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
* ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
* IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
* FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
* HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
* DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor
* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
* REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitors
* BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
* FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
* DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
* MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
* RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope.
* HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on
* PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
* MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours
* ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavier than Lead!
* BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise
* HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
* NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work
* CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports
* UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
* BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together
* SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
JUST GOT A HAIRCUT......
Women's version:
Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she first gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man 2: Haircut?
Man 1: Yeah.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."
WHAT THE GUYS REALLY MEAN...
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over and the officer approaches the car.
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb, stupid, woman, shut your idiot mouth!!!"
State Cop:"Ma'am does he always talk to you this way?"
Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."
"I have an earache!"
2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
1997 AD - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn. "No problem", spoke the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. "With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?", asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.
"What's wrong, now?, the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door,
.....and there stood the pig and the cow!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!
WHAT WOMEN SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN
Can't we just be friends?...........
............There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I just need some space...........
...........without you in it.
Do I look fat in this dress?............
.............We haven't had a fight in a while.
No, pizza's fine..............
...........Cheap jerk!
I just do not want a boyfriend now..............
..........I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.
I don't know; what do you want to do?...........
..........I can't believe that you have nothing planned.
Come here.........
.........My puppy does this too
I like you, but........
..........I don't like you.
You never listen............
..........You never listen.
We're moving too quickly..........
...........I am not going to have anything to do with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'll be ready in a minute.........
.......I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself...........
.........I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.
WHAT THE GUYS REALLY MEAN...
"You cook just like my mother used to."....................
........................"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."....................
..................... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."....................
....................."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."....................
....................."I forgot our anniversary again."
The Politically Correct "Red Riding Hood"
by Stan Greenberg
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special Compassionate Mission Exemption Form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own destiny, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone. Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you" Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Do as I tell you, and you'll be the best blacksmith in town," the old master said to his apprentice. "I'll take this horseshoe out of the fire, and when I nod my head, hit it with your hammer." The apprentice did as he was told, and, sure enough, he is the best blacksmith in town.
A stranger pulls up to a restaurant off the main highway, gets out of his pickup truck and walks up to the first man he sees.
"Pardon me," He says. "You know, O.J. just found out the verdict and he's all depressed. And right now he's lying down in the middle of the highway back there and he's threatening to pour gasoline on himself and light himself on fire.
"He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. So, I'm driving around taking donations."
The man says,"Oh really, how much have you collected so far?"
"So far...only ten gallons."
A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are."
The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
"The story is told of the Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river.
A month went by and the bandit thought he was safe. He was celebrating his good fortune at a local cantina (that's a bar, folks) when a Texas Ranger walked up and dragged him out into the dusty street.
After he realized he had a communication problem, the ranger poked his head back into the bar: "Anybody here speak English?" he shouted. "I do, senior." came the reply. "Then commere." the ranger ordered.
The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. Did he rob the bank?
He did.
Does he still have the $250,000?
Yes again.
Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun to the bandits head and cocked the trigger.
"Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town plaza.
The translator looked up at the ranger:
"He says he is not afraid to die!"
There was this painter who got hired by a well-to-do homeowner. He arrived in the morning to receive instructions. The homeowner invited him in and spelled out the task: "I want you to paint the porch out back. I bought the paint for you - it's the best. Once it's on - it'll never come off. I expect this to take you all day but I am willing to pay very well.
About halfway through the day the painter came back - he was done. "Wow, you're done? Great. Here's the money and a big tip for doing the job so fast." The painter replied, "Wow cash - thanks. Oh by the way - that's not a Porsche. It's a Mercedes."
President Clinton came back from a trip to Arkansas. When he stepped off the plane, an army officer saluted him.
President Clinton: "I'd love to salute you back, but as you can see, I'm carrying a pig in each hand!"
Officer: "Yes sir! Nice pigs sir!"
President: "These aren't just any pigs! These are Arkansas Razorbacks!"
Officer: "Yes sir! Nice Arkansas Razorbacks sir!"
President: "I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea!"
Officer: "Yes sir! Good trade sir!"
Outside city hall a young boy was selling newspapers. "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Two men swindled!" he cried.
A man walking by bought a paper and thumbed through it. "Hey, kid, I don't see anything in here about two men being swindled."
The boy began to shout, "Extra! Extra! Three men swindled!"
PROGRESS...
Consider the answer you might receive asking a grade-school child the question "What is 2 plus 2?" in each of the last five decades:
in 1956: "4, of course"
in 1966: "3, but it's the method that's important"
in 1976: "just a second while I get out my calculator"
in 1986: "just a second while I launch 'Calculator' on my Mac"
in 1996: "just a second while I check the 'addition' home page."
(The following (Things You Learn from Your Kids) is the funniest stuff I have received in a long time:
Subject: Humor- What I have learned from my kids
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh," it's already too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.
SuperGlue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
You probably do not want to know what that odor is
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
Plastic toys do not like ovens
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
It will, however, make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
These get Runner-Up:
Rita Rudner's 49 facts about men:
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
"Mother, I can't marry him," moaned the love-stricken girl, "Last night he told me he was an atheist and he doesn't believe in hell."
"Now you go right ahead and marry him," replied the mother, "and between the two of us we'll show him how wrong he is."
"NEAR-MISS" if two airplanes nearly missed each other doesn't that mean that they hit each other?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
"That's Not My Job"
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody though Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
"I know some of you have seen the following absolutely ridiculous thing.
Write this out on a sheet of paper and just tell someone to read it. Then tell them what it really says:
MR DUCKS (they will probably say, Mr. Ducks, etc)
MR NOT DUCKS
MR DUCKS
MR NOT DUCKS
OSAR
CM WANGS
CDEDBD FEET
LIB MR DUCKS
TRANSLATION:
Now, this is two Southern Louisiana duck hunters talking to one another, AND what they are really saying is this:
em are ducks
em are not ducks
em are ducks!
em are not ducks!
o yes a (they) are
c em wangs (wings)
see de iddy biddy feet
L (well) i be em ARE ducks!
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be A little patient."
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would it kill you?
A: A pool table.
AND SPEAKING OF GOVERNMENT...
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
Marketing Buzz Words Translated:
* NEW - Different color from previous design
* ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with previous design
* EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
* UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
* DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
* FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
* ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
* IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
* FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
* HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
* DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor
* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
* REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitors
* BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
* FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
* DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
* MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
* RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope.
* HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on
* PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
* MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours
* ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavier than Lead!
* BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise
* HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
* NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work
* CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports
* UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
* BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together
* SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
JUST GOT A HAIRCUT......
Women's version:
Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she first gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man 2: Haircut?
Man 1: Yeah.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."
WHAT THE GUYS REALLY MEAN...
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over and the officer approaches the car.
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb, stupid, woman, shut your idiot mouth!!!"
State Cop:"Ma'am does he always talk to you this way?"
Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."
"I have an earache!"
2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
1997 AD - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn. "No problem", spoke the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. "With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?", asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.
"What's wrong, now?, the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door,
.....and there stood the pig and the cow!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!
WHAT WOMEN SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN
Can't we just be friends?...........
............There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I just need some space...........
...........without you in it.
Do I look fat in this dress?............
.............We haven't had a fight in a while.
No, pizza's fine..............
...........Cheap jerk!
I just do not want a boyfriend now..............
..........I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.
I don't know; what do you want to do?...........
..........I can't believe that you have nothing planned.
Come here.........
.........My puppy does this too
I like you, but........
..........I don't like you.
You never listen............
..........You never listen.
We're moving too quickly..........
...........I am not going to have anything to do with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'll be ready in a minute.........
.......I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself...........
.........I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.
WHAT THE GUYS REALLY MEAN...
"You cook just like my mother used to."....................
........................"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."....................
..................... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."....................
....................."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."....................
....................."I forgot our anniversary again."
The Politically Correct "Red Riding Hood"
by Stan Greenberg
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special Compassionate Mission Exemption Form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own destiny, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone. Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you" Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Do as I tell you, and you'll be the best blacksmith in town," the old master said to his apprentice. "I'll take this horseshoe out of the fire, and when I nod my head, hit it with your hammer." The apprentice did as he was told, and, sure enough, he is the best blacksmith in town.
A stranger pulls up to a restaurant off the main highway, gets out of his pickup truck and walks up to the first man he sees.
"Pardon me," He says. "You know, O.J. just found out the verdict and he's all depressed. And right now he's lying down in the middle of the highway back there and he's threatening to pour gasoline on himself and light himself on fire.
"He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. So, I'm driving around taking donations."
The man says,"Oh really, how much have you collected so far?"
"So far...only ten gallons."
A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are."
The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
"The story is told of the Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river.
A month went by and the bandit thought he was safe. He was celebrating his good fortune at a local cantina (that's a bar, folks) when a Texas Ranger walked up and dragged him out into the dusty street.
After he realized he had a communication problem, the ranger poked his head back into the bar: "Anybody here speak English?" he shouted. "I do, senior." came the reply. "Then commere." the ranger ordered.
The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. Did he rob the bank?
He did.
Does he still have the $250,000?
Yes again.
Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun to the bandits head and cocked the trigger.
"Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town plaza.
The translator looked up at the ranger:
"He says he is not afraid to die!"
There was this painter who got hired by a well-to-do homeowner. He arrived in the morning to receive instructions. The homeowner invited him in and spelled out the task: "I want you to paint the porch out back. I bought the paint for you - it's the best. Once it's on - it'll never come off. I expect this to take you all day but I am willing to pay very well.
About halfway through the day the painter came back - he was done. "Wow, you're done? Great. Here's the money and a big tip for doing the job so fast." The painter replied, "Wow cash - thanks. Oh by the way - that's not a Porsche. It's a Mercedes."
President Clinton came back from a trip to Arkansas. When he stepped off the plane, an army officer saluted him.
President Clinton: "I'd love to salute you back, but as you can see, I'm carrying a pig in each hand!"
Officer: "Yes sir! Nice pigs sir!"
President: "These aren't just any pigs! These are Arkansas Razorbacks!"
Officer: "Yes sir! Nice Arkansas Razorbacks sir!"
President: "I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea!"
Officer: "Yes sir! Good trade sir!"
Outside city hall a young boy was selling newspapers. "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Two men swindled!" he cried.
A man walking by bought a paper and thumbed through it. "Hey, kid, I don't see anything in here about two men being swindled."
The boy began to shout, "Extra! Extra! Three men swindled!"
PROGRESS...
Consider the answer you might receive asking a grade-school child the question "What is 2 plus 2?" in each of the last five decades:
in 1956: "4, of course"
in 1966: "3, but it's the method that's important"
in 1976: "just a second while I get out my calculator"
in 1986: "just a second while I launch 'Calculator' on my Mac"
in 1996: "just a second while I check the 'addition' home page."
(The following (Things You Learn from Your Kids) is the funniest stuff I have received in a long time:
Subject: Humor- What I have learned from my kids
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh," it's already too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.
SuperGlue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
You probably do not want to know what that odor is
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
Plastic toys do not like ovens
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
It will, however, make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
These get Runner-Up:
Rita Rudner's 49 facts about men:
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
"Mother, I can't marry him," moaned the love-stricken girl, "Last night he told me he was an atheist and he doesn't believe in hell."
"Now you go right ahead and marry him," replied the mother, "and between the two of us we'll show him how wrong he is."
"NEAR-MISS" if two airplanes nearly missed each other doesn't that mean that they hit each other?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
"That's Not My Job"
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody though Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
"I know some of you have seen the following absolutely ridiculous thing.
Write this out on a sheet of paper and just tell someone to read it. Then tell them what it really says:
MR DUCKS (they will probably say, Mr. Ducks, etc)
MR NOT DUCKS
MR DUCKS
MR NOT DUCKS
OSAR
CM WANGS
CDEDBD FEET
LIB MR DUCKS
TRANSLATION:
Now, this is two Southern Louisiana duck hunters talking to one another, AND what they are really saying is this:
em are ducks
em are not ducks
em are ducks!
em are not ducks!
o yes a (they) are
c em wangs (wings)
see de iddy biddy feet
L (well) i be em ARE ducks!