religious jokes
When the family returned from Sunday morning service, father criticized the sermon, daughter thought the choir's singing was atrocious, and mother found fault with the organist's playing.
The small boy of the family piped up, "But it was a good show for a quarter, don't you think, Dad?"
A pastor always used the phrase, "It might be worse," when some calamity would come his way. One day a friend said to him, "I've something to tell you, and you won't be able to use your favorite phrase. I dreamt last night that I died and went to hell."
"It might be worse," said the preacher. "Man alive, how could it be worse?"
"It might be true."
A MODERN NOAH'S ARK
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark", said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by the animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.
"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commisssion over how many Crotians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood.. Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?" asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his Last Word....
"Government."
Joke of the week from Today's Christian Woman's Small Talk, May/June 1996
My four-year-old granddaughter, Amanda, went to the doctor's office with a fever. The doctor looked in her ears and said, "Who's in there? Donald Duck?" She said, "No." He looked in her nose and said, "Who's in there? Mickey Mouse?" Again she said, "No." He put his stethoscope on her heart and said, "Who's in there? Barney?" Amanda replied, "No, Jesus is in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But, all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside this refrigerator..."
A man was involved in a fatal automobile accident and found himself standing in front of the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted him, and said, "In order to get into heaven, you have to spell a word." "Okay," replied the man, "what's the word?" "You have to spell the word love," replied St Peter. "Why that's easy, the man responded, l-o-v-e."
"Welcome," said St Peter, "you may enter, but first would you do me a favor. I have to do an errand, and I will only be gone a very short time. Would you please take my post here until I return. Whenever someone comes here, do the same thing I did with you. Ask them to spell the word love. If they are able to do that, welcome them to heaven. If they are unable, send them to the other place."
The man was at the gate for about ten minutes when his wife greeted him. "Why are you here?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "when news of your accident reached me, I had a heart attack and died immediately."
"But why are you standing here by this gate," she asked him. "I'm substituting for St. Peter for a little while until he completes an errand," he said, "and I have to ask each person to spell a word in order to enter this place."
"What's the word?" she inquired.
He responded: "Czechoslovakia."
Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started Ive been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away.
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since" !!!
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
"What was your sermon on this week?" one preacher asked his friend.
"I preached on the rich man's responsibility to give to the poor," the other answered.
"How'd it go?"
"Well," he sighed, "I know I convinced the poor."
A pastor had noticed that one of the elderly women hadn't been to any service for a week. She was real faithful, and wouldn't miss a service for anything, so he got concerned. He visited her house one evening, and knocked on the door. He heard the pitter patter of feet in the house, but no one answered. He left his business card on the door, but had written on the back of it "Rev. 3:20", as a message to her.
The following Sunday he was pleased to see this woman back in church. He told her that he had been concerned because no one answered the door the other night when he was there. She didn't say a word, but handed him back his card. He noticed that the "Rev. 3:20" was crossed out. But she had left a message for him on the back.
It read "Genesis 3:10."
A man walked into the office of a local church. He walked up to the receptionist, and in a loud voice demanded: "Take me to see the head hog." The receptionist replied indignantly: "Sir, I'll thank you not to refer to our pastor in such a way. Around here, we address our ministers with respect." The man replied, "Well I've come to donate 5 million dollars to the church".
"Excuse me sir", the receptionist replied, "Let me see if I can find the big fat pig for you."
There was a man trying to understand God, so he asked Him, "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars is like a penny."
The man thought for a short time and asked, "God, will you give me a penny?"
"In a minute," God responded.
Abraham was trying to load WINDOWS 95 onto his old 286 computer. Isaac said: "But Dad, you don't have enough memory." Abraham said: "Be patient my son, God will provide the RAM."
Top 10 Statements Ministers Would Love to Hear . . .
10. Hey, it's my turn to sit in the front pew!
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed the sermon went overtime 20 minutes.
8. Personally, I find witnessing more enjoyable than golfing.
7. Preacher, I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to the televangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the one you always call when there aren't enough child-care workers.
5. Forget about the guidelines. Let's step out on faith and just do it!
4. I love it when we sing hymns we've never heard.
3. Since we're all here, let's start the meeting early.
2. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like the annual Stewardship emphasis.
1. Preacher, we'd like to send you to that Bible Cruise in the Bahamas.
TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE WON'T SAY WHEN THEY SEE YOUR CHRISTIAN BUMPER STICKER OR MORE SUBTLE FISH SYMBOL ON YOUR CAR:
10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians."
9. "Don't worry Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."
8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters."
7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"
6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?"
"Son, that driver is a Christian and God probably protects him from getting arrested."
"Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that too?"
5. "Stay clear of those folks Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"
4. "Oh look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."
3. "No, that's not litter coming out of their windows Bert, it's probably gospel tracks for the road workers."
2. "Oh boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."
1. "Quick Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"
The small boy of the family piped up, "But it was a good show for a quarter, don't you think, Dad?"
A pastor always used the phrase, "It might be worse," when some calamity would come his way. One day a friend said to him, "I've something to tell you, and you won't be able to use your favorite phrase. I dreamt last night that I died and went to hell."
"It might be worse," said the preacher. "Man alive, how could it be worse?"
"It might be true."
A MODERN NOAH'S ARK
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark", said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by the animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.
"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commisssion over how many Crotians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood.. Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?" asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his Last Word....
"Government."
Joke of the week from Today's Christian Woman's Small Talk, May/June 1996
My four-year-old granddaughter, Amanda, went to the doctor's office with a fever. The doctor looked in her ears and said, "Who's in there? Donald Duck?" She said, "No." He looked in her nose and said, "Who's in there? Mickey Mouse?" Again she said, "No." He put his stethoscope on her heart and said, "Who's in there? Barney?" Amanda replied, "No, Jesus is in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But, all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside this refrigerator..."
A man was involved in a fatal automobile accident and found himself standing in front of the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted him, and said, "In order to get into heaven, you have to spell a word." "Okay," replied the man, "what's the word?" "You have to spell the word love," replied St Peter. "Why that's easy, the man responded, l-o-v-e."
"Welcome," said St Peter, "you may enter, but first would you do me a favor. I have to do an errand, and I will only be gone a very short time. Would you please take my post here until I return. Whenever someone comes here, do the same thing I did with you. Ask them to spell the word love. If they are able to do that, welcome them to heaven. If they are unable, send them to the other place."
The man was at the gate for about ten minutes when his wife greeted him. "Why are you here?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "when news of your accident reached me, I had a heart attack and died immediately."
"But why are you standing here by this gate," she asked him. "I'm substituting for St. Peter for a little while until he completes an errand," he said, "and I have to ask each person to spell a word in order to enter this place."
"What's the word?" she inquired.
He responded: "Czechoslovakia."
Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started Ive been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away.
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since" !!!
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
"What was your sermon on this week?" one preacher asked his friend.
"I preached on the rich man's responsibility to give to the poor," the other answered.
"How'd it go?"
"Well," he sighed, "I know I convinced the poor."
A pastor had noticed that one of the elderly women hadn't been to any service for a week. She was real faithful, and wouldn't miss a service for anything, so he got concerned. He visited her house one evening, and knocked on the door. He heard the pitter patter of feet in the house, but no one answered. He left his business card on the door, but had written on the back of it "Rev. 3:20", as a message to her.
The following Sunday he was pleased to see this woman back in church. He told her that he had been concerned because no one answered the door the other night when he was there. She didn't say a word, but handed him back his card. He noticed that the "Rev. 3:20" was crossed out. But she had left a message for him on the back.
It read "Genesis 3:10."
A man walked into the office of a local church. He walked up to the receptionist, and in a loud voice demanded: "Take me to see the head hog." The receptionist replied indignantly: "Sir, I'll thank you not to refer to our pastor in such a way. Around here, we address our ministers with respect." The man replied, "Well I've come to donate 5 million dollars to the church".
"Excuse me sir", the receptionist replied, "Let me see if I can find the big fat pig for you."
There was a man trying to understand God, so he asked Him, "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars is like a penny."
The man thought for a short time and asked, "God, will you give me a penny?"
"In a minute," God responded.
Abraham was trying to load WINDOWS 95 onto his old 286 computer. Isaac said: "But Dad, you don't have enough memory." Abraham said: "Be patient my son, God will provide the RAM."
Top 10 Statements Ministers Would Love to Hear . . .
10. Hey, it's my turn to sit in the front pew!
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed the sermon went overtime 20 minutes.
8. Personally, I find witnessing more enjoyable than golfing.
7. Preacher, I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to the televangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the one you always call when there aren't enough child-care workers.
5. Forget about the guidelines. Let's step out on faith and just do it!
4. I love it when we sing hymns we've never heard.
3. Since we're all here, let's start the meeting early.
2. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like the annual Stewardship emphasis.
1. Preacher, we'd like to send you to that Bible Cruise in the Bahamas.
TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE WON'T SAY WHEN THEY SEE YOUR CHRISTIAN BUMPER STICKER OR MORE SUBTLE FISH SYMBOL ON YOUR CAR:
10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians."
9. "Don't worry Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."
8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters."
7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"
6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?"
"Son, that driver is a Christian and God probably protects him from getting arrested."
"Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that too?"
5. "Stay clear of those folks Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"
4. "Oh look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."
3. "No, that's not litter coming out of their windows Bert, it's probably gospel tracks for the road workers."
2. "Oh boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."
1. "Quick Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"